I Wish You Saw
by Nanashi Tsurunaji
Summary: Duo is dealing with pain of the emotional type, so he cuts himself. Is it punishment or release for him, however? Only time can tell. Severe angst, Duo POV, sarcastic humor, 'deathsuicide' humor. ON HOLD!
1. Screams and Darkness

I Wish You Saw...

Disclaimer: Not mine. Duh.

Music: Scar Tissue (Red Hot Chili Peppers) and random Irish drinking songs (Bill Craig)

Warnings: Sarcastic humor, cutting, angst, shonen-ai, word play, more may come. I don't know.

Note: For those of you who read it on the first day, I've out done myself from even my little blue book.

* * *

Chapter One: Screams and Darkness

The screaming has started again. God, I hate the screaming. I wish she'd just stop already. She doesn't know why I come home drunk every day, to her I just do. Please, Hil, just stop...

I'm sitting against the door to my room, as Hilde pounds on the door, yelling at me. I look over the room, as she yelled at me. The depression welled up in me again. I've been bad, again, haven't I?

"Stop..." I whisper, my voice sounding weak and devoid of life. "Please, just stop..." If Hilde heard me, I couldn't tell. The little voice in the back of my head whispered at me.

'Duo! You've been a bad boy. You need to be punished. Come on, Duo. The knife is there, just a few inches away under the table. Go for it.' I obey. After all, I hurt Hilde, and I let down Quatre. I'm nothing but a failure. I lock the door as quietly as I can; just a second before Hilde resumed her pounding. I walk over to the nightstand and peel up the tape, releasing the knife from the bottom and stuffing it in my boot. I can't cut here. Hilde would want to know what happened. The best bet is to go 'out'. When I'm out of the house, I can claim that I got into a fight. I only have to omit the part where the other person is myself. Slipping out of my window, I heard the door fly inward. Hilde is now hunting around the room, screaming for me. She deserves better. If I weren't always hanging around, she could get a proper boyfriend and be happy. Maybe tonight I won't come home.

I slip into the park, deep under the shadows of the trees. Slipping out of my shirt, I take up my knife and survey the extent of the damage that has already been inflicted on the poor skin. I started five years ago, but with in the last year it got worse. I kept messing up, and when you screw up you need to make amends. There was a clear patch of skin just above my elbow. It looked silly, the soft un-marked-ness of it, and it made me angry.

I sank the blade into the flesh, not cutting, but stabbing. It doesn't matter to me if it does permanent damage. Now, slowly, I pull the blade out of my arm, hearing a soft sucking sound as a testament to how deep I went. Thinking, I run the bloody blade over my chest, wondering if I should start marking it as well. Small patterns flowed over my chest as I twirled the knife. One for Quatre, now one for Hilde. Taking the blade between my fingers, I draw the point a little harder over the flesh just under my left nipple, dragging it right, and then curved down to my belly button. That was good. Now, I could go home to Hilde. She needs the money I bring in. Guess I'm good for something, huh.

"DUO MAXWELL, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN! I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK!" Well, that's just peachy. I've been bad. Again. "Look, Duo, honey, we have to go to Quatre's house. He's having a reunion party, and he thinks you should be there. You missed the Halloween party, cause you were out drinking, jerk! You are SOOOOOOO going to this one!" Hilde ushered me into my room, and told me to get ready, and that we were leaving tomorrow around five. She left and I passed out on the bed. I think the stab wound needs a bandage...

* * *

Hilde was facing me, talking animatedly and waving her hands to punctuate her words. We were at a quiet little restaurant that she liked. It was a nice place, but not my style. I prefer the party scene. Just call me old-fashioned. I remember this time, it's haunted me since it happened. Two months have passed. It seems like forever ago. In slow motion, I watched the drunken fight break out across the street, and before either of us can move, one of the bastards ran at us. I did nothing, and the man grabbed Hilde. In one hand he held a broken bottle, in the other, Hilde's head. Still I did nothing. Damn it! It didn't happen this way! I watched as the glass descended and popped Hilde's eyes, first one and then the other. Hilde!

* * *

I pop up, wincing as the cut on my stomach pulled apart. I remember what happened that day. She had taken me out for lunch, 'cause she wanted to talk. We barely saw each other anymore at that point, even though we lived in the same house. When we were charged, I fought against the jerk. He cut me up really badly, but that didn't slow me down. He grabbed Hilde and threatened to stab her. I didn't move. He put the glass over her eyes. I thought I had a clear shot. My bullet tore his muscles apart and his arm dropped, glass cleanly slicing Hilde's eyes. She has taken to wearing sunglasses, and I'm her 'seeing eye dog'. More like 'seeing eye scumbag'.

Looking at the clock beside my bed, I realize I have a good hour to pack and bandage myself up. I decided to bandage first. I enter the bathroom quietly, and turn on the sink. As I wash my arm, I looked up. My face was not the normal face that the other pilots knew. It was tanned from hours of construction work, but gaunt. My beautiful hair had lost its luster. Without my shirt, I looked almost laughable. My arms and legs were normal, having daily exercise, but the rest was thin from lack of nutrition. So far, I've been sent home from work early seven times in the last month, and miss at least 28 meals in the last two weeks alone. I don't think that you could constitute a slice of bread supporting a thinner slice of ham as a meal, though. Sometimes I wonder how I stay alive. There were dark bruises under my eyes from lack of sleep. Ya know that if you fall asleep, the monsters will get you. I think I'm getting a cold, but I don't care.

I stopped cleaning it, and pulled out a handful of cotton gauze. Stuffing it over the stab, I located an ace bandage and wound it over the gauze. If anyone asked me about it, I could say I sprained my elbow at work. I finished working on my arm, and started to clean the cut on my stomach. It wasn't fatal, more's the pity. It DID sting though, and that's what counts. I kinda hope it gets infected. I didn't bother putting a bandage on it, it wasn't deep enough to be a problem. Locating the blue polo shirt I wore last night, and sniffing it, I figure it would go through another day and put it on. The pants I wore yesterday, however, were gone. Blue jeans covered in dirt, mud, sawdust, and other disgusting pieces of god knows what wasn't exactly acceptable clothing to meet long-lost friends. I went to my closet, and pulled out a new pair of pants. Black. What else? Grabbing my knife out of my boot and storing it at the bottom of my bag, I piled two black jeans and two blue jeans on it in that order. Then I added my laptop, and covered it up with three black priest-style shirts, a navy polo shirt, and a white T-shirt. To top it off, I squashed in a pair of soft black pants for sleeping and some nice shiny shoes each with a pair of whitey tightys stuffed in the toe. I don't know WHY people think I wear boxers. As a soldier, I know that it is important to be able to be able to move quickly and with the least amount of bags. By having underpants that fit easily into your smallest pair of shoes minimized the amount of space needed to pack. And in a small side compartment was my emergency cut kit. Can't leave home without that. Glancing at the clock, I realized that I had time, so I refolded the close in the bag. Rolling the shirts and pants into cylinders reduced the space they took up. Actually, it cleared up enough space for me to add a robe. Hilde poked her head in and yelled at me to get up and get dressed. We were leaving in five minutes.

The trip was dull, to say the least. The most exciting thing that happened was when the small argument over who would sit next to the window. Now, as we disembark from the craft, I can't help but wonder if my shirt is big enough. I prey that no one can see how thin I've gotten. Just outside the terminal, I saw Trowa holding a sign with our names on it. He was still as uni-banged as ever, wearing a pair of jeans and a forest green T-shirt. Honestly, I didn't know that they made shirts that color. Of course, I didn't know that they made shoes of the garish fresh-street-paint-yellow variety that Heero wore, so that wasn't such a big suprise. If Trowa's appearance without his customary turtleneck made me think twice, Quatre made me fall over backward, literally.

"DUO!" Was about the extent of the warning I had, before Quatre tackled me knocking me off my feet. "Duo, I've missed you! How are you? And Hilde? Where is she, by the way? I thought I told her to come, also!" I put my hand in front of Quatre's mouth to stop the flow of words that burst from his mouth. I wriggled out from under the blond with difficulty, and avoided looking at Trowa. He'd taken up glaring at me as if I was evil. Closer than I thought. Looking at Hilde, I realized how much she had changed since we last saw the others. Her hair, once boy short, now fell to her shoulders, and she had taken to wearing dresses with patterns on the front. That way, she could get dressed easily in the morning by finding the front and having me zip up the back. The tennis shoes she wore helped with her balance. She was learning to get along in the world. I put my arm around Hilde and turned her to face Quatre.

"Q-bean. This IS Hilde." I said to him, and watched as his jaw dropped open. I don't think I've ever seen Quatre this shocked. Hilde's sunglasses mirrored his face back at him, and he realized that he was catching flies. Quickly, he closed his mouth with an audible snap. Trowa looked mutinous.

"Wow, Hilde..." Quatre said in a whisper. Trowa looked like he was going to strangle something with my braid. I'm not sure if it was me, Hilde, Quatre, or some innocent bystander. I was willing to bet it was a combination of the four.

"I'm blind, not dying, Quatre." Hilde said with her usual dry humor. Obviously Quatre had forgotten this little fact, because he was openly staring at us. Trowa looked a bit calmer, still a little POed, but nothing bad. Quatre seemed oblivious to Trowa's affection, and I could just SEE the way they danced around each other. If only someone loved me like that...

Quatre piled us into the black mini van he had rented just to pick us up and drove us to his house. Well, I guess house isn't the right word. Sure, it was home like and full of family, but SHIT! I've never seen a HOUSE that BIG! That thing must qualify for a mansion, if not, then a castle! Now there was a place you could imagine being haunted, if it weren't for all the happy people around. The Maguanac greeted us at the door, gathering around and shaking hands or crushing us in hugs.

Sally Po waltzed out of the hallway that Q-ball was about to lead Hilde and me down, and smacked into me, knocking me down.

"Oh, Duo! Are you all right? I didn't think I hit you that hard, did I?" She asked, helping me up. When I was on my feet, she hugged me. "It's good to see you aga...Duo! You're all skin and bones! Hasn't Hilde been feeding you!" She exclaimed, earning me a suspicious look from Quatre. He didn't say anything, but you could tell that he thought something was up.

"Sally!" I exclaim, coming up with a half-truth in a split second. "You never told me you were Jewish!"

"I'm a Taoist, Duo." She said in an amused sort of way.

"Really? I thought it was only old married Jewish ladies that wanted to stuff food down your throats." I said in a joking manner. I hate and love this jesters mask I wear. It keeps the others from finding out my secrets, yet it also makes it hard to be myself. The doorbell rang and Quatre went to open the door. I had a sinking feeling I knew who it would be...


	2. Kiss My Brain

Chapter Two: Kiss My Brain (or Too Thin)

Shit that I get tired of repeating fast: Chapter One.

Disclamer: You want to know who this belongs to? NOT ME, NOT ME, I DON'T OWN GUNDAM WING! (jumping around like an idiot)

* * *

I had a sinking feeling I knew who it would be...

Relena.

It was. She and Heero, followed by Noin and Milliardo. Gag me with a spoon dipped in ancient greece (not to be confused with the place or resturant chain) and G snot. Yuck! I can't believe I just thought that. Relena was making googly eyes at Heero, and he seemed oblivious as usual. Noin and Milliardo looked genuinly releaved that they were here. Outside, the press was snapping shots of Relena Dorlian, former Queen of the World, to post in tomorrow's publication. I could just see the headlines; Relena Dorlian and her boy toy visit Quatre Winner for a little threesome. I roll my mental eyes. These days, the tabloids were a more reliable sorce of information. Hey, I've SEEN those aligators in the sewers, when I was working! She came in, along with her familiar enterage, holding the girls still with a grip on their upper arms and making little kissy noises in each others ears. Really, I don't see why girls do that. Really. If they are going to hug, why not hug, instead of this 'I-don't-want-you-running-away-before-I make-that-really-annoying-smacking-noise-in-your-ear' crap. And what's up with the kissy noise? Are they trying to kiss eachothers brains or something? She's wearing that horrible St. Gabriell's School uniform pink. Like PeptoBismal got into a fight with feverish bubble gum over the dress. I used to think pink was an OK color, now I can't stand the stuff. I think it was the pink limo that did it for me. I can't figure out if Relena acually LIKES the color, or is just trying to make a statment. Hey! Did you know that pink was used in the AD 20th century to symbolize gay people? Maybe THAT'S what she's trying to tell us.

Oops! It's my turn to be greeted. I stick my hand out to shake, concentrating my line of vision on my hand. If Relena of the pink wants to kiss my brain, I'd rather not know it's coming. A hand engulfs my own. A very strong, callous hand that I know well.

"HE-CHAN!" Oops. Nother mistake. Heh. I didn't mean to act so supprised.

"Who did you think it was, baka?" Heero asked, giving me a look that seemed out of place on her face. He was SMILING! Whao.

"I thought Relena would greet me first. Give me a heartattack, why don'tcha?" I said. Must... not... hug... Heero. God, but he's lookin' good. The year has been good to him. He pats me on the shoulder, before turning to greet Quatre. As I'm watching the former 01, Relena grabs my shoulders and makes that annoying kissy sound in my ear. Before she can do the other one, I feel strong arms ripping us apart. Heero. I guess he didn't like me being so close to his girlfriend. Upon realizing what he did, Heero looked shocked. That's two emotions in one day. I can't believe it...

"Um...Hey, Rel?" I say, as she lightly smacks Heero's arms as if scolding him. I raise my eyebrow at him, and he shakes his head. He doesn't think that is a very effective method either.

"Oh, Duo. I'm SOOO sorry for Heero's behavior. He's such a jealous little boy." I'm not sure if I'D call a seventeen-year-old assassin a boy to is face (if I weren't one), but that is Relena's way. She giggled as if she knew something that I didn't. The location of WHERE to buy a pink limo, perhaps? Maybe I should stop trying to make sense out of Relena.

Noin offered to shake my hand over the wierd kissy thing. Thank god. Milliardo offered me a small bag and a smile. Wow. That was nice of him. We've been rivals since the war, so is he trying to patch things up now? I offer him a big smile of my own.

"Gee, thanks, Milliardo!" I said quickly. Boy, I've never gotten a random gift before. Am I expected to open it here, or wait for something?

"Go ahead. Open it." He urged. With cautious hands, I reach into the bag and shift around the tisue paper and pull out a small stuffed animal. I thought only Heero knew that I liked fluffy things to sleep with. Then again, that was a rather embarassing thing to have happen to me. Any way, the stuffed animal was small enough that I couldputhim in my pocket and take him anywhere with me.But the size isn't the best part. He had given me a fluffy version of my all time favorite animal. It's small, green bead eyes lookedup at me out of it's black fur. For a minute,I couldn't believe what I wasseeing. A travel sizedpanther for me to play with!Unwittingly, I jump on Milliardo with an estatic look on my face.

"THANK-YOU-THANK-YOU-THANK-YOU-THANK-YOU!" I said to the suprised man. "It's BEAUTIFUL! Thank you SOOOOO much, Milliardo!" He let off a low chuckle and wrapped his arms around me. I looked up to see him smirking at me. Suddenly, I wasn't sure that I wanted Milliardo hugging me. I can feel myself turning red, fast, and Milliardo released his death grip on me, but didn't let go.

"Please, call me Zechs. Milliardo is such a formal name." He said, as his hands trailed over my back while he took his sweet time releasing me. Now I'm positive. I don't think it's a good idea to let Mill...er, Zechs...touch me. Heero had his normal'I'm-gonna-kill-something' look plastered over his face, while Quatre looked shocked, Trowa was impasive, and the girls were in various stages of melting.

"Urm...What's going on?" Asked Hilde, and before I could respond, Relena attacked the question.

"Oh! It's the CUTEST thing! Milliardo just gave Duo a stuffed panther. Duo OBVIOUSLY likes it." She said. There was something in the way she said the last sentance that put me on edge. Something just wasn't right. Now that thing about Relena knowing something I don't is coming back to bite me in the nuts, as usual. Yeah, yeah, I know. When you assume, you make an ass of you and me...

"I was WONDERING when he was going to make a move! Jesus, he's slow." OK, if it wasn't official before, it is now. I am confused. Girls are wierd.

I chance a look at Heero to see if he understood any of this. The look on his face is quite funny, really. It looks like someone force fed him a used jockstrap and his spandex had been pulled up his ass in a wedgie so big that he could TASTE it. While it would be REALLY painful to go through that, it looks SO funny on someone else. Yeah, I'm a bit of a sadist. Then it occures to me. Why the HELL am I the center of attention! Wufei walks in and Mil...Zechs wraps his arm around my shoulders. I have to bite back a whimper as he brushes against several infected cuts on my shoulder. Wufei gives us a wierd look then shakes his head.

He greets us all, spluttering as the girls attacked him but going all the more loud when it was Sally. Me thinketh the boy hath a crush. Now if only I could figure out M...Zechs. See? I'm getting better. He starts crushing me to his chest, and I can't help but whimper as our torso's crush my stab wound.

"Mill...er, Zechs? You're squashing my lungs..." I said to him, and he released me a little. I spoke too soon, seems I'll have a bit more trouble getting used to his name...

"I'm so sorry, Duo! I never meant to..." He started, then Heero walked over and placed a hand on his arm while giving Millia...er Zechs his patented glare-o-death. Wow. Is it just me, or has Heero's glare gotten stronger? I guess the world may never know. Milliard...Zechs is giving a glare that is about as harsh as the one he is receiving. Everyone, duck and cover. It's World War Four! Looks like no one else is gonna stop them, so it might as well be me. Quickly, before those two can start in with the punches, I step between them.

"Please. Stop. The war is over. There's no need to be hostile." I said, earning me a wierd look from everyone, then Trowa burst out laughing. Shaking my head I turn to Quatre. "Hey, Q-tip? How's about you show us where our rooms are?" I ask, nicely. Geeze. Why is everything I do today such an oddity?

Quatre was leading us through the rooms, pointing out everyone's rooms as we passed each one. On one side of the hall was Noin, Hilde, Relena, Une, Cathrine, and a couple of Quatre's sisters. On the other was Milliardo...Zechs, me, Heero, Wufei, Trowa, Abdul, and a few other Maguanac. I wonder if I'll be expected to keep Zechs and Heero from tearing each other apart. Quatre's apartments are at the other end of the house. Probably so he won't be tempted to jump Trowa in the middle of the night. Those two are such a cute pair, and you can tell how much they care for each other. It's just so funny to watch them interact, they have no idea that the other likeshim in that special way. We already went over this. I have a sadistic side. Not everyone has their own bath, however. I'm sharing with Heero, much to M...Zechs' annoyance. I don't get it, but OK. Maybe he thinks Heero will strangle me in my sleep, but whatever. He has his own bathroom, as does Wufei and Trowa. The Maguanac have to share. The girls side of the hall is, I think, set up the same, but I don't know and I'm not about to find out. Everyone is in their rooms, so I figure now is the perfect time to ask Relena something. I walk acrossed the hall to Relena's room and knock on the door.

"Hello? Oh, Duo, it's you!" She said upon opening the door.

"Um, I was wondering if I could talk with you alone?" I say, not really sure how she's gonna react.

"Certainly, Duo. Come on in." She welcomed me in. I could see that the bathroom did indeed conect with Hilde's room. "Well, what is it Duo? It must be important." She said nicely. I don't really think she's capable of any other tone. She's always so nice, it's scary.

"It's about Hilde. You know I've been living with her." I started. Her face fell. I don't remember telling her about Hilde's accedent, so maybe she's confused about my motives. "Not like that! Hilde had an...accident a little while ago. An accident that left her blind." Relena's face turned from sad to sympathetic. "I was wondering if you would help her out. She's probably memorizing where everything is right now, but she'll need help getting dressed every morning. I know she hates it, but it's also safer for her if there is someone to watch her when she takes a bath. It's down right deadly for her not to. If you don't want to, I understand. I just thought that Hilde might be more comfortable if it was a girl helping her out, rather than a boy." I finish my monolouge and wait for Relena to process this information.

"Of course, Duo! I'd love to help you out, Duo!" She said, before ushering me out into the hall. Something is up. Relena used my name WAY too many times for something not to be. Shrugging it off, I thanked her for being so nice to Hil, and walk acrossed the hall to my room. I need a nap, and some of those super strength sleeping pills. At this point, I don't care if I have nightmares, I just want a nap.

When I got to my room, Heero was sitting on the bed. Boy, was that a shock! I had started to take off my shirt, and ZAAA! There he was!

"Shit, Hee-man! You scared the crap outta me!" I exclamed, upon realizing that blurry shape on the bed was indeed Heero. He had another wierd look on his face, this time like someone had given him a puppy then shot him in the foot.

"Urrr, Hee-chan? Did you want something?" He was starting to creep me out. Heero Yuy never looked at anyone with out good reason.

"Hn," He blinked. "I just want to see for myself." He stated simply. Now, I must confess that I had no idea what the hell he meant. At least, not until he attacked me.

He pounced on me, tearing at my shirt. I think it was shock that held me in place, as Heero lifted the hem of my shirt. And, as Heero proceded to undress me, the door opened and Zechs waltzed in. He took in the entire scene, and Heero didn't even bother to stop his attack. At this point, there was so much confusion, I don't remember much. What I think happened was, Zechs called Heero a bastard and yanked Heero off of me. Heero in turn, yanked my shirt off me. I scampered off to the bathroom and crawled into the cabinet under the sink and pointed my ass at the opening. I hope no one got a good look at my shoulders or arms...

The fist fight in my room had attracted a lot of attention from the others on the hall, if anything could be disconcerted from the noise. After a while, the noise dispersed, and some shuffling could be heard. Some one was walking through my room, looking for something, probably me. The shuffeling entered the bathroom and a voice called out for me.

"Duo? Are you in here?" It was Zechs!

"Yeah?" I said timidly.

"Come on out, beautiful." He said. Is he on crack! Mask boy is friggin' NUTS!

"Shirt." I tell him, and realize that he probably didn't understand what I meant. "I mean, can you get me a shirt outta my bag and bring it here?" I clarify.

"Certainly." He said softly, as if he were afraid of spooking me. After a few minutes he spoke up. "That bastard didn't hurt you, did he?" I can't be sure, but I think he sounded worried.

"No, he just freaked me out. Really, I had no idea that anyone thought of me like that." I told him, reverting to babbling to get his attention off finding me. He paused, and silence reigned ofer the bathroom. Just as I was about to start rambling again, Zechs brushed his hand over my ass. I suprised squeek shot out of me and I scurried away from his touch. God, I was feeling paranoid today.

"I'm so sorry, Duo!" He said, dropping the shirt on my feet in his haste to remove himself from my privet hide-y hole.

"Please, just go." I begged of him. Hopefully he'd leave if I pulled the poor pitiful me act. "I'll see you at dinner?" I added, so he wouldn't think I was mad at him. He left with a sigh, and I was grateful. I stepped into the shower and drew the fuzzy glass door thing closed behind me. I slipped on my shirt and snuck back into my room. Down in the bottom of my bag is my most prized posession. You, you guessed it. My knife.

I slide the shiny object up into my sleeve, with the base resting in my palm, and tip toe back to the shower. I can't believe I'm gonna do this again, so soon after the last time, but if I am at least I should do it where I won't make too much of a mess. I've been a bad boy, nearly letting Heero and Milliardo know about my little habit.

Where to cut today, folks? Out of randomnosity, I think my legs are a good place. After all, too much chest scaring and someone might notice. So...Drop the pants, and hang them neatly over the top of the shower. Don't want them getting bloody, now do we? As an afterthought, I take off my shirt and put it with my pants. Don't want to ruin it any more than the pants.

My arms are aching for a stab. I guess once you taste the blade that far in your skin, it doesn't matter how bad it hurts, you just want it again and again and again and again until it doesn't hurt anymore. Until nothing hurts anymore.

I hold the blade akwardly, with the tip pointing to my elbow, and the sides aimed for my thigh and the soft area of forearm that I've always wanted to mark. Still can't, so there's no point in wishing for it.

The unmarked flesh enrages me. I'm not sure why, it just does. I want to mark my entire body until there is nothing left. Until it is all marked, and then I want to mark it again. I bring my fist down in a strange attempt at a stab combined with a slice. My grip on the thing waviers at the last second, and the knife embeds itself in my thigh and slices up my forearm. Either it hit the vein, or damned close to it. Crap. Crap, crap, crappity crap with a slice of crap and a side of crap to go! I have to get to my room. I have to get to my bag. The gauze in the front pocket.

I slip at the last second, falling hard on the floor. I think my knife is in the bathroom. Oh, look at the pretty digital numbers. 11:00. Hehe. That's funny. The eleventh hour. HEY! I know my time of death...Blood loss does funny things to a man...Wheeeeee, I'm dying...


	3. To Die, Then Sleep Some More

I Wish You Saw…

Chapter Three: To Die, Then Sleep Some more

Disclaimer: If I owned GW, it would be rated X. 'Nuff said.

* * *

BAM BAM BAM!

"DUO! TIME FOR DINNER! Duo?"

Well, guess I didn't die...Hey, look! I fell on my arm! My arm's asleep from the shoulder up. There goes the dying theory. Hell, might as well go to dinner.

"YEAH, YEAH. I'M COMING!" I call to Noin, who is bashing on my door again. Gee, can't that woman STOP taking those testosterone pills? She's manlier than I am, and I was BORN with a Y-chromosome! My arm is still bleeding, but sluggishly now. Better than dying, I guess. I'm not too sure. Grab the gauze and head over to the bathroom. Quickly, I clean off the obvious dried blood with the towel I brought from home. Can't have Quatre yelling at me for leaving his home towels full of blood, now can I? Gotta clean off most of the rest, too. That is the WIERDEST feeling in the world, trying to play normal, when your stomach and chest are covered in dried-ish blood. Bandage up arm, bandage leg, all's good. Now, find the shirt Mill...Zechs! Get it RIGHT! Z-E-C-H-S! Zechs, fucktard, Zechs! Now find the shirt that ZECHS got me, and put it on. Find some lovely black pants, and wear them. Best to wear black if there is a chance that my wounds might bleed through the gauze. Shoes! Black socks I was wearing earlier? Ummmm...Bloody mess? BAD BOY! Toss them in the sink and let them soak. It's six o' five! I've been out for eight hours! Whoa. Trippy. Any who! No time! No time! Put on the shoes without the socks!

"Duo?" SHIT! Zechs!

"Yeah?" Shit! I sound like I've been asleep for years!

"Were you napping?" Napping? Plausible. I'll go with that.

"Just woke up. Sorry for being late!" Well, it's true. I DID just wake up...

"Oh, OK. I'll wait for you down stairs." Fuck! Stairs! I'll NEVER get back up! Oh, well. I guess I'll just have to party hard and get the others to take me to my room. Coming to the stairs, I realize the easiest way to kill to birds with one stone lies in the large wooden banister.

"BANZAI!" I cry as I slide down the steps with all the grace of a hyperactive five-year-old with one leg on either side of the banister. Now I don't have to worry about walking down stairs, or having everyone else worry about my super sized nap. My eyes widen as I realize that I have no way of slowing down, and I'm catching up to Zechs. Oops. Guess I'm gonna land on my ass...

AW, SHIT! There's a ball on the end of the banister! A big ball, that is gonna crush my nuts! HELP! There's a nutcracker at the end of the banister! I close my eyes, not wanting to see this mutilation of myself.

"DUO!" Came two shouts, one from behind me, one from in front of me, and then I wasn't moving. I was being held in a pair of strong arms. Opening my eyes, I come face to face with my rescuer as one of his arms finds its way from around my waist to under my knees.

"Hiya, Hee-chan..." I'm kinda hesitant to talk to him. Really, he there's no way he can know about the mutilation, so he must want a look at my ribs.

"You should be more careful, Duo. I don't want to see you hurt." Boy, that was a weird thing for Heero to say. Oh, well, can't expect Mr. Spandex-man to know much about being human yet.

"You shouldn't be touching him, you pervert." Milliardo said from my left. I look at where I am. Shit. A few more inches and there'd be no chance for any little Duo Maxwells to run around, not that my orientation would allow that to happen, anyway, but it's still not nice to think about.

"Hn. No one else would have made it. Would you rather he sing soprano?" Wow. I think Heero just made a joke...

"Take your hands off him, bastard." Milliardo sure seems violent towards Heero. Maybe he's a homophobic.

"Ur...Are wegonna miss dinner?" Zechs and Heero are locked in their glare-down. Jesus, Zechs can glare! I thought Heero's death-glare was bad, but Zechsy-poo is giving as good as he gets. "Well, if you two are gonna miss out on some yummy food, can you put me in the dining room, or at least down, so I can get some food?" Heero gives me the shot-in-the-foot look again, but didn't seem to want to release his grip on me. "Dining hall? Mush, boy!" I tell him, and he smiles at me. Creepy. And at the same time, Heero has a really nice smile. Heero carries me all the way to the dining room, and sets me gently in the chair that has my place marker in front of it. On my left, Zechs Marquise, on my right, Heero Yuy. To Heero's right, Relena, then at the foot of the table is Trowa, on Trowa's right is Wufei, Sally, Hilde, and Noin. Of course, at the head of the table is Quatre.

The meal began quietly enough, with everyone eating. Then it seemed that everyone wanted to know something about me, especially Quatre, Sally, Zechs, and Heero. The last two just confusicate me. Boy, I've never met such a hot-cold guy as Heero, and Zechs is acting like he owns me. I don't know what this is about, but it is wierding me out. Hey! That rhymes! Sally keeps asking me about my diet. I never took her to be the type totake work home with her, but whatever floats herboat. And Q keeps asking if I'm happy with Hilde. Of course I'm happy with her! She is the only reason I'm alive on some days.

After dinner, we head into Quatre's 'party room' complete with dance floor and the latest music system. I head to the wet bar to get plastered. No one seems to notice that I'm getting drunk, or if they do, they think it's normal. No one has asked me if I'm OK yet, so I must be doing good. Wonder if I'll ever get drunk enough to admit I'm drunk?

"Duo?" Heero asked. Why do people seem to make your name a question when drunk?

"Yesh?" I'm slurring my words already? Must be some good shit.

"Why is there blood all over our bathroom?" Blood? Don't bother me with blood, I'm too drunk to care! HEY! I just admitted I'm drunk! That calls for another drink!

"Whysh thar bloohd all o'er th' bafroom, 'Ro?" Not drunk enough yet. Down goes some more vodka.

"Duo." Again with my name. This time, it's a warning.

"Thash me name." Three Heero's look better than one! Hey, I wonder if I'd screw three Heeros at the same time?

"Why is there blood all over the bathroom, Duo?" He means business, now. Time to go. I seem to stumble off the barstool, I know I look like I'm about to puke. Maybe I am, if Heero catches me. Like a flash, though, I run through the door, through the house and am running down the street before anyone can think. I don't know the layout of the land around the area, but I know that there are virtually no neighbors for miles. Suddenly, I'm not running on land anymore, and with a large splash, I hit the canal.

Freezing water engulfed me, and I knew I was screwed. Sober, but screwed. The sides of the canal are way too steep for me to climb without aid of ...something. Hell, I can't even think, it's so cold. My arm is killing me, and my thigh is in more pain than when I first cut it. Crap. All my joints hurt from cold. My spine feels like white hot knives are being shoved between each vertebra. Man, with torture like this, who needs sadists? It's kinda warming up...ish...I'm so sleepy...Can't sleep...Must keep moving...I wonder how long it's gonna take me to die...

SPLASH! Shit! Broken bottles being dumped on my head. Fun. What next? God, my arm is heavy...Let's get these bandages off. I half take off my shirt. Letting it trail behind me in the water, and unwind the ace from my arm and elbow. I guess I'm farther gone than I thought, 'cause it's kinda trippy to watch the gauze float down... down... down under the water. I pull my shirt back over my arm and button it up again. I decide that it would be a better idea to take off the gauze on my leg, too, if only to have something to look at while I freeze my ass off. I unbutton my pants, and pull them down under the water to peel off the surgical tape holding the gauze on my leg down. Watching the bandage slip away from me, I realize that I should have gone skinny dipping a long time ago. Before that thought can go any further, I pull up my pants and keep trying to keep my head above water. Or sludge as the case may be. This water has to be nastier than my mind. At least it's not cold anymore. Soon, I'll slip into a deep sleep and never wake up... How long have I been here? With the little bit of sky I can see, I can't tell.

"DUO!" Is that God? Am I dead? "ZECHS! BRING THE VAN!" I think I'll just go to sleep...


	4. Gentle Nightmares

Chapter Four: Gentle Nightmares

Disclaimer: I DO own Gundam Wing! Three manga versions of it! Yeah, I'm pathetic. I wish I owned GW, if only to torture you poor, pathetic, pervert-ophobics.

* * *

Waking up is a nasty affair. All I want to do is slip back into that dark realm called unconsciousness. I wish whoever is doing all the screaming and slapping would just go away. I'm trying to sleep. cough GO WAY! cough cough cough I feel like I'm trying to cough my lungs out of my body to turn them inside out.

"Okaaaaay, okaaaaaay...'M awake!" I moan at the person slapping me silly. Opening my eyes, I'm greeted by a very pail Heero. Geeze, the boy looks nearly white. "You alright, Hee-chan?" I ask in concern.

"He's OK!" Heero called over his shoulder. Wait, where are we? It kinda feels like I'm lying in Heero's lap in a car, but I can't be sure. My head also feels like someone poured oatmeal into it through my ears and that my throat is being shredded by throwing knives, but that don't make it so.

"Duo?" He calls for my attention. I look at him, and he pulls out a pocket flashlight. Yay! Time for a field exam. I'm SO happy, I could just puke. Did anyone out there catch the sarcasm? With a sense of defeat, I submit to Heero's surprisingly gentle touch. He was never this soft during the war. Or maybe I'm still too numb to tell the difference. Just as he finishes looking down my ears, I burst into another coughing fit.

"Chang, we need haste!" Heero calls to over his shoulder again. All I can see is grey and blue and Heero Yuy. I'm assuming that Wufie is here. I don't know any other Changs, unless Wuffie-kun took a wife. Heero looked down at me, eyes wide and face white, and the car we are riding in (at least, that's what it feels like) starts wailing and hauling ass. I'm betting that Wu-man is using his Preventers privileges again. Gee, I never noticed how big Heero's eyes were. And then, we stopped. Heero grabbed me and ran. Somewhere along the line, I must have fallen asleep again, cause the next thing I remember was Heero sliding under the sheets in my room. He is amazingly warm. Snuggling up to him, I think that this isn't a bad way to die. So warm...I feel like my heart is gonna burst. Heero might not love me, but it feels great to be touched and held by another human.

* * *

In the dark, someone is screaming. Please, stop the screaming! I hate the screaming. It hurts in a way that the blade never did. Light shines a little ways ahead. Somehow I know that if I can just reach that light, the screaming will stop. If I don't, though, something bad will happen. I start running. I don't want to be left with this hateful screaming ever again. The light is moving, to, moving away from me. I chant to myself a little thought, 'If only, if only', and pick up speed. The light only moves faster. The screaming gets louder. The light is fading too fast for me to catch up to it. Like trying to catch a star. The screaming got louder and louder, until the sound solidified into the image of some one I had once known very well.

Solo, riddled with plague, stood before me, pointing at me. His doleful eyes pleaded with me to save him.

"Why?" He asked, and blurred. Then it was not Solo, but Sister Helen I was looking at. She glared daggers at me, hating me. She knew that I killed people, that I did a good job at killing people.

"Monster." She whispers, and fades into Father Maxwell. Father Maxwell reaches out to me with broken arms, his battered body speaking for him. It was people like me who did this to him. People like what I had become. He said noting, just held out his hands to me, wishing that there was a way I could join him in heaven.

Father Maxwell blurred into someone in a full OZ pilot suit. That, at least, stayed the same. The pilot shifted form man to woman, tall to short, thin to fat, nothing and everything the same. These were the people I have killed. People who I can never forget, nor get forgiveness from. Why would they forgive me, though? None of these people ever forgave me.

The OZ pilot finally settled as a short, thin female who removed her helmet. Hilde stood before me, just as she had the day we met. Suddenly, we weren't in the all encompassing black of my soul, but instead the brightly lit cafe with the jerk off standing over Hilde. I had my gun out, pointed at the man, and this time I shot him in the head. He grinned at me as blood trickled down his face and the glass was now a knife that he used to slice Hilde's throat. As she bled she asked me why.

* * *

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed, shooting into a sitting position. My attempts at calming down were slowed for a moment, when an arm wrapped itself around my waist. Who the hell was grabbing me! Why! Where am I! Oh, GOD! HELP!

"Hush, Duo." Said a familiar voice, in an attempt to calm me down. Wait. Is that HEERO? That's Heero's voice. I lie down again, and turn over to find Heero, naked, and in bed. With me. It is not even possible to say that in one sentence, let alone for it to actually happen. I think I'm going to have a heart attack if these shocks don't stop happening. Sneezing, I lay back down, and another arm is thrown over my waist. I shiver and look over my shoulder to find a naked Zechs cuddling me like a human sized teddy bear. Wow. Odd. Zechs is comfy. I think I could get used to this...

* * *

I open my eyes again. God, I feel like shit. Just another day as Duo Maxwell. My head is pounding and spinning, stomach is churning, and I can't breathe right. I feel like I just got off the worlds worst carnival ride only to have some idiot put a clothes pin over my nose, without all the pain the clip would cause. What the hell did I drink last night!

"Welcome back, Maxwell." Said Wufei from a chair by my bed. I look over at him, then a sneeze starts building in my head.(1) Really, the feeling starts right behind my nose as a tickling sensation, and I can't do anything or it will hurt like hell when it finally comes out, so I sit still and breath, hoping it will come quickly. Wufei leans closer as my eyes cross and the lids fall half way down. He looks really worried, I'm guessing cause my breathing just got really rapid and shallow. I wish I could just warn him, but the sneeze is in my nose, about at the point that the cartilage meets the bone, and I take a really deep breath, sending the sneeze back a little then slams it against the point where cartilage meets nose again.

"ACHOO!" I sneeze right in Wufei's face and he looks pissed. "Sorry, Wu-man." I say sleepily and rub at my nose. He just glares at me, and then leaves the room. Guess I pissed him off badly last night. What DID happen last night? I replay the events, finding my memory getting pleasantly fuzzy then slammed with reality. Oh, yeah. I took that little sludge bath for a coupla hours. Wearily, I fall back onto the bed. Now what am I supposed to do for entertainment? I got my question out of the way. Man, life in bed is boring. I need my knife. I think Hee-chan has it. Oh, well. I snort up some snot that threatens to dribble down. Gross, yes, but better than wearing a snot face-mask. The door opens quietly, and Heero walks in. Seeing that I'm awake, he occupies the chair Wufei vacated. He reaches out and takes my hand with both of his.

"Duo." He says quietly, "I want to ask you a few questions, and I want you to give me an answer." He can ask all he wants, I'm gonna sit here and not answer.

"Duo. How did you get those cuts?" Heero asked of me. OK, I'm in deep shit with Yuy. He keeps using my name. I lean my head back on the pillow. "Duo?" 'Not going to answer' is written clearly in the look I shot at him. "Duo, when someone is your friend you can tell them anything." Right, Hee-chan. Like I can say, OK, I cut myself to shreds. You'd never accept that. "Or are you not my friend? Do you want Wufei to ask? I know you like him better than me. Or how about Milliardo?" He said sadness in his voice. Yuy knows just how to make me feel like crap.

"Heero," I said, clogged nose making it hard to pronounce things right. "You know dat(2) I trust you more dan the udders. Just leave it." Heero gave me a stern glare and got really close to my face.

"Duo." He breathed over my lips. The door opened, and I turned my head to see who it was. Milliardo walked in. It was exactly like the last time you got the two of them together in my room. 'Cept now I was witnessing it! Zechs was strangling Heero! Panicking, I ran to the door, hoping to find Wufei, or someone to help. I most defiantly wasn't strong enough. Standing at the top of the stairs, and unsure of where everyone else was, I couldn't think of anything else to do.

"HEP! PLEEZ! HEP!" I shouted as loudly as my stuffy nose would allow. Surprisingly, Quatre and Trowa stumbled out of Trowa's room. "Zechs iz killing Heero." I say and point to my room. Now it's time to sit back and watch the little angel go ZERO on their asses. Heero and Zechs stumble out of my room, followed by scary-Quatre. Really, I don't know where some people get the idea that Quatre is a sweet little angel from heaven who can't fight for himself. After all, he is the most psychotic little boy I know. Now, however, Sweet-Quatre walks over to me and ushers me back to bed.

"Thank you, Duo. Now go to sleep. You are sick, and the sick need their rest." He said soothingly to me as he tucks me into bed. I snuggle down into the covers, and Quatre glares at Heero and Zechs, who are trying to re-enter the room. My stomach growls and Quatre smiles at me. "I'll bring some food up in a minute. Soup good?" He asked, leaving before I could respond. Sighing, I turned onto my side and close my eyes for a small nap. Even as I decide to sleep, I realize that I'm too awake. Great. Now I'm alone with my depressing self. Let me tell you, I hate it! Then a question popped into my snot-stuffed head. Why did Zechs, no why DOES Zechs keep attacking Heero? It seems that whenever Heero gets too close to me, Zechs goes nuts. What could it mean? Did he know my secret? Was he trying to help me? Did he think Heero was trying to hurt me? Why did it matter to him? Too many questions, not enough answers. God, he confuses me. And Heero. I don't even know where to begin with the man. He's gone friggin' nuts! All the sudden, he cares. And it's not the goddamn mission. And it's somebody's health, namely, my own. The girls coo whenever Zechs is around and... Is Zechs jealous of my friendship with Heero? Doesn't he know that I'll be his friend? Does he still think that Heero's his enemy and they are waging a war for my friendship? That's absurd. I replay the last scene in my mind, trying to find a clue to the behavior of one Heero Yuy and one Zechs Marquise. Nothing. From Zechs' point of view, perhaps. Well, he walked it, and was Heero hovering over me, close enough to kiss. DUO! Stop that! Just cause up like Heero, doesn't mean that he likes you back. Wait. Maybe Zechs is a homophobe! That'd explain it! Well, I'm not going to stop crushing on my friend just cause Zechs don't like men being with men. But if he's homophobic, why...

Quatre interrupts my thoughts with a large bowl of chicken broth and a glass of warm milk. I guess he doesn't get to pamper people much, so I'm gonna be in bed for a LONG time while he catches up. I must admit that it's rather fun to let people treat you like royalty, but after a few days you get sick of it. What with everybody cooing over my weight and whenever Zechs is in the same room with me and I'm assuming I'm going to get attacked by the "how-did-you-get-those-cuts" committee next, I'm pretty sick of attention. Heero poked his head through the door and coughed to get Q's attention.

"Quatre? Might I be allowed to feed Duo?" He asked. Odd question, but who am I to complain? If Heero wants to feed me, I'll be damned if I don't let him! Quatre gives him a look, though I can't tell what it looks like, as I'm looking at the back of his head. Heero motions to the other side of the door, and Quatre follows him. Now I'm left in the room alone again! Maybe I can hear what they are saying if I focus hard enough. Nope. Just the buzz of the heater, and the low hum of voices, but no words. Grrr. I hate being left on the outside, or inside, as they are OUTSIDE my room. The door opens again, and Heero walks in, carrying the tray of food with him. I guess Quat took it with him when he left to talk to Hee-chan. I didn't even notice. I must really be sick. He spoons up soup and holds it near my mouth. I'm not as stupid as I look. Here's this really hot guy willing to feed me when I'm sick, and I am going to take FULL advantage of that!

Heero raised a spoon full of soup to my lips with out a word, and dutifully I open my mouth. He pours the hot liquid into it, and I barely manage to not spit it out. SHIT! HOT!

"'Ot!" I grog at Heero. Yeah, grog isn't a word, but it accurately describes the sound I made. He gets the picture, smart boy that he is, and hands me the milk. Warm, yes, but enough to soothe the burning. He spooned up more soup and blew on it this time. As he fed it to me, he took a deep breath.

"Now, Duo, I understand that you don't want to talk about it." He said in his monotone voice. "But I'm going to guess, here, and you are going to tell me if I am right or wrong." He looked ominous now, and I was wishing that I didn't have such an infatuation with him. If only I had the will power to tell Quatre that I didn't want to be around Heero. Or Sally, but that's a moot point since she's not here. "From the scars, I deduce that this has been going on for a while. All in easily hidden places, but in easy access to the reach of a hand. More specifically, your hand. Except for the newer ones. I'd say that you cut yourself." He paused, watching me with cold eyes.

"Why would I?" I say, trying to take suspicion off me. Hell, the abusive boyfriend theory would be better than this.

"I don't know, Duo. I just don't know." He said sorrowfully, and continued feeding me.

"Ya know, Hee-bear? Dat's just silly. If there's no reason, den why?" Good question. There is a reason. I need to be punished for the bad things I do. That's just it. Though, some times, my reasons seem pretty flimsy. Is it really cause I need punishment? Or am I just a psychopath that needs to be locked up. Wait. Don't answer that! Heero put the spoon up to my lips and I took a drink.

"Then why are you so thin? I spoke to Hilde. She tells me that you make all the meals in the house, but you never have time to eat with her. Are you anorexic?" Heero asked as he put another spoonful of soup to my lips. "You're Duo 'I run, I hide, but I never tell a lie' Maxwell. You're the guy that, all through the war, made sure that Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, and even I had at least one good memory to take to the afterlife in the event that we didn't make it past the next battle. We care about you!" Heero said, and lifted the milk for me to take a drink. When he put down the glass, he started up again. "What can I do, Duo, to make you happy again?" He sighed.

"Heero?" I ask, placing a hand on his. He looks at me in shock. "This isn't your problem. It's mine. I brought this on myself by being such a baka. Don't worry about it." I say to him, and he sighs again.

"Of course I'll worry, baka." He whispers and finishes feeding me my soup and milk. As he takes the last spoonful from between my lips, he places it between his own and leaves. My thoughts? What. The. HELL?

* * *

(1) This is how I feel when I sneeze, and no, I can't talk when I do that. Although it looks really funny.

(2) Remember, he's got a cold. He's not going totalk normal.


	5. Silver and Cold

Chapter Five: Silver and Cold

Disclaimer: I own Gundam Wing. Yup. I do. Because I have a soul, and the person/people who REALLY own Gundam Wing have souls, and all souls are interconnected through Spirit/God/Goddess/Universe/exc. Therefore, yes, I own Gundam Wing, and so does every other fan girl that ever lived!

As it was once so eloquently put, it ain't right to pick on the crazies. So don't sue me! The only thing you'll get is a bunch of OTHER fic plots, and some random characters.

* * *

The rest of the week went fine, with someone trading places on watching me every five hours or so. It kinda irks me that the guys won't leave me alone. I have a feeling that Heero and Quatre are regulating my visits to make sure I'm not alone. I wonder if I get up to take a piss between shifts if the whole house will go into a panic, but I'm not gonna try it. Reason? I'm not stupid. Quatre in ZERO mode is NOT something I want directed at ME! Heck, Heero would NEVER leave me alone. Good for me, bad for Heero. I mean, god, he's got to be one of the most self-sacrificing people in the universe. It's established that the dude will blow himself up, multiple times, to save the world, but here he has a shot of happiness with Relena and he's giving it up to make sure ol' baka Duo isn't hurting himself. Way to make a man feel even shittier, 'Ro. Anyway, my week is almost over, so Quatre is allowing me to get out of bed and walk around now. I'm still not allowed out of my room, except to go to the bathroom. Between Heero and Zechs, I get all my meals fed to me without having to lift a finger. Sally has been making sure that they don't give me any more than my stomach can handle, like chicken broth instead of stew or something richer, AND she keeps a close eye on what goes into and out of my room. Sometimes I really DO believe she's the stereotypical Jewish housewife...

Speak of the devil. Here she is. In the flutter over my weight, it seems that everyone has forgotten about my cuts. Fine by me; in fact, the cut on my stomach and the stab wound on my thigh are infected, Might even kill me. Fine by me! Then I won't have to worry about how many lives I'm wrecking. It seems that no one can enjoy this trip because of me. I should have just stayed home.

"Duo, I would like you to take off your shirt." Sally says to me athoritively. I sigh, knowing that no matter what, she's getting that shirt off of me. Lifting it over my head, she gasps. "Did you know that this is infected!" She yells at me, pointing at my stomach. Wearily, I nod. She rushes out of the room, presumably to get antibiotics and bandages, and something to help drain the infection out. This is screwed. I'm not letting her fix this! I want to die, DAMN IT! Just let me DIE! I race to the bathroom, lock my door behind me, before racing to Heero's door, only to get attacked by Heero himself. He looks at my emancipated form, complete with infected scaring tissue over my torso. He pins me to the wall across from the toilet so hard that the wall cracks and pieces of plaster force their way into my back.

"Damn it, Duo...Why?" He whispers as he places his forehead against my shoulder. Loud noises of rage start sounding from my room, along with the voice of one VERY unhappy doctor. Heero lifts his head and turns it to face the door.

"He's in here, Sally!" Heero shouted. Right next to my ear, too! Not wanting me to run away, I guess, Heero lifts me over his shoulder in a fireman's carry.

He unlocks my side of the bathroom and wanders into my room. The infected cut on my leg breaks open, and starts bleeding sluggishly against Heero's chest. As much as I hate being carried upside down, I have to admit that Heero has a VERY nice ass, and that I'm privileged to see it up close and personal. However, my enjoyment was cut short as Heero deposited me on my uncomfortable bed of DOOM! I have spent so much time in that retched thing, that it IS a creature of DOOM!

Of course, I have been dressed in a pair of white pajamas, curtsey of Zechs. Because of their whiteness, blood happens to be very visible against them. Heero sets me down, and Sally sees blood. She looks like she is going to kill me.

"Duo?" She growls at me. I swallow the lump of fear that settled in my throat and look to Heero. He's gotta say something, too, ya know.

"Don't just look at me, damn it! What's wrong? Why didn't you tell us about this!" I just shook my head. Sally gave Heero that 'hold-him-down-so-I-can-do-my-job' look and Heero pinned me to the bed. Now, in another context I would be ecstatic about this. Things being as they were, however, I wasn't too happy with this development. It wasn't like I had enough strength to fend Sally off if she had both hands tied behind her back. I couldn't see over Heero, but I DID feel Sally cleaning my cuts up. That hurt. A lot. I am proud to say that I didn't scream, though. However, I did pass out at the end.

When I came to, Zechs was hovering over me. He gave me a big kiss on my forehead and gave me a big hug. He was so nice, just like the big brother I never had. Or if I did have one, the one I never knew. I gave him a smile when he released me, and he bit his lower lip. A small tear traced down his cheek. Puzzled, I cocked my head at him and pull myself into a sitting position. Bad idea! I flopped back down with a whimper. How did I forget about that little infection, and its subsequent removal? Oh, yeah. I'm the resident baka.

"Why, Duo? Why do you cut yourself? I tried to ignore it, but I can't. You've been hurting yourself, and I want to know why." Zechs said as more tears fell from his eyes. Why did everyone want to know?

"It's nothing, Zechsy! Honest!" I say to him. Really it isn't anything at all to run the blade over my flesh.

"Duo, I thought you didn't lie! Something is bothering you, so spill it!" Zechs said, and I did the only thing a sane man could. I curled myself into a little ball and pretended he wasn't there. Presently, I got bored and fell asleep.

* * *

It was dark. Very dark without even a scrap of light to let me see. All around were demons waiting to pounce. The screaming started, and the first ghost of my past, Hilde, jumps on me, ripping my flesh from my bones. Then, one by one, the rest come out. Hordes of nameless Ozzies, Solo, Sister Helen, Father Maxwell, Heero, Zechs, Relena, Quatre, Trowa, even Wufei were there. They had all died by my hands. I was the monster, the Shinigami. I was plague and war, suicide and murder. Now my skin and organs were ripped from me, and I was just a walking skeleton. The devil wearing Kushrenada's face draped a black cloak over me and bent over fashioning a horse out of my flesh. It was white. The horse was so white, like it was carved out of pure snow or bone. I got the reference. After all, Death rides a pale horse. What better for the Shinigami?

* * *

I woke to Heero gently shaking me awake, and offering me a sandwich. Real, honest-to-god food! Before I even thought about it, I had my hands around Heero's and was taking huge hunks out of the sandwich. Heero didn't say anything; I can only assume that he gave me a weird look. At least until I accidentally kissed his fingers. I didn't think they had been very close to the sandwich bit I bit, and then my lips were on his finger. He gave me a little, shocked 'DUO!' before I stole the sandwich from him. Bliss, in reality, is a hamburger, but I'd settle for this. Even as I ate, I could feel tears running down my face. God, I needed a razor. Tears were getting trapped in the beard that I had grown because I wasn't allowed to have even a plastic butter knife. Damn.

He didn't seem to be real keen in the talking department, but when was he ever? However, he did seem to notice the tears. God, what I wouldn't give to leave this world, to stop killing my friends with my presence. I killed Hilde's sight, and Relena's time with Heero by fopping Hilde off on her. I killed Heero's happiness with Relena by making him worry about me. I killed everything. Everything.

I've often noticed that crying tends to degenerate a person's thoughts, but I still can't stop that as that one word echoes hollowly in my mind. I don't think Heero knows what to do with me, 'cause he's holding me like I'm gonna fall apart. When I quieted down, I hovered in Heero's arms for a long moment. I look up, and Heero has his impassive 'soldier' face on.

"Sorry, there, Heero." I say as I notice the large wet spot on his shirt. He just patted me on the shoulder, blushing, and turned around. I was really hoping that he wouldn't just leave me alone with my thoughts, but he needed to have his life. Although, I did feel comfortable enough to give his back a sad puppy look. He didn't come back to the bed, so I guess my ESP sucks. Just fine by me, though now I'm alone in the room with myself. I think I let out a whimper. It's like being left with the monster in the closet. I could feel the cold chill of my self-hatred pressing down on me, but even more, I felt board. Really board. I haven't been alone a lot lately, so you'd think I'd like it, but noooooooooo. Reality presses its face down on me. Now, I know I'm stupid and worthless, but boredom isn't fun. I scratch my bicep for something to do. After a few seconds, though, I stop. It's not fun or amusing. I would try to go back to sleep, but I've had so much of that over the past week; I don't think I'll sleep for the rest of my life. If I don't do something soon, I'm gonna start talking to the water stain over my bed that looks like a rat...

No, I take it back. It doesn't look like a rat. If you squint just right, it looks like someone in the fetal position with a tail. Or a braid. Man. That's disturbing. SAVE ME! I'M GOING NUTS! SEE! I'M ON THE CEILING!

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AN: If anyone out there likes beta reading, I am looking for a good beta to help me out here! I know I'm pathetic! PLEASE CONTACT ME! I would like to get better fics out someday. 


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